Thorn_the_Gnoll: Puns are the best. Wilco2: I fucking love a good pun Brigsby: I will stand just inside the doorway, and shoot the door to the Shit Tower with Thunder Slam Wilco2: just, adore it Wilco2: my heart beats faster and shivers run down my spine at the thought of.... the one.... perfect.... pun Brigsby: do I gain any bonuses for it just being a door? Wilco2: why couldn't you just open it? dreyrugr_nott: It's locked Igfig: It has pretty low defenses Brigsby: ok Brigsby: I'll do what I said then Brigsby: 1d20+5 Fortuna: Brigsby, 1d20+5: [5] = 10 dreyrugr_nott: Fortuna is pretty shitty today Igfig: yeah, that's enough actually Wilco2: boooo Brigsby: awesome Brigsby: 2d10+11 Fortuna: Brigsby, 2d10+11: [6, 2] = 19 Brigsby: the door takes 19 damage Brigsby: does that blast it off its' rusty hinges? dreyrugr_nott: It explodes Igfig: Not quite dreyrugr_nott: And shatters my shit covered back my splinters Igfig: but it does break a pretty good hole in the middle dreyrugr_nott: I shat all over that sentence Wilco2: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS Igfig: not big enough to get through just yet, but you can see the guts inside Wilco2: http://d3uwin5q170wpc.cloudfront.net/photo/77031_700b_v1.jpg Brigsby: Good, that will do dreyrugr_nott: Waffle dreyrugr_nott: Just... dreyrugr_nott: why Igfig: uh, guys dreyrugr_nott: Why must you link this shit Igfig: not guts Igfig: also, wilco Igfig: no Wilco2: oh god Wilco2: the tower is made of shit' Wilco2: I don't even know dreyrugr_nott: I like guts better Igfig: you have huge guts dreyrugr_nott: We've been killed by the shit dreyrugr_nott: You see wilco's large gut inside Wilco2: Oh well... shit happems Wilco2: happens* Igfig: Thorn, you doing anything? dreyrugr_nott: I SWEAR WILCO I WILL USE YOU AS A SHIT SHOVEL Thorn_the_Gnoll: Um, umm... Thorn_the_Gnoll: Suppose I may be able to kick the door open. Igfig: Sure Thorn_the_Gnoll: Especially with it weakened and all. dreyrugr_nott: Oh god I'm behind the door Wilco2: you will get flattened into the shit Brigsby: use your ridiculous Gnoll strength to pull it off and throw it into the abyss Igfig: Strength check! Thorn_the_Gnoll: Right. Thorn_the_Gnoll: 1d20+1 Fortuna: Thorn_the_Gnoll, 1d20+1: [19] = 20 Igfig: Weakened as it is, I'd say that's enough Wilco2: maybe Wilco2: MAYBE dreyrugr_nott: What happens to me Thorn_the_Gnoll: So yeah, like Brigsby suggested, instead of kicking it I grab a hold of the door using the hole Brigsby made and tear it off the hinges. Igfig: That sounds good to me Wilco2: throw it at the poo Wilco2: kill that shit! Igfig: Dreyrugr is on the other side of the door Brigsby: keep it, you never know when a door will come in handy Wilco2: throw it anyways! Igfig: he looks stinky Igfig: *she dreyrugr_nott: Who you calling a he? Igfig: who? Thorn_the_Gnoll: "What the hell are you covered in?" Wilco2: a door you can fold up and take out at will Wilco2: oh man Wilco2: that down in the dumps pun was the best thing ever dreyrugr_nott: I look at thorn dreyrugr_nott: "Shit." Wilco2: down in the dumps Igfig: REPEATED PUN Igfig: 2d6+1 wilco Fortuna: Igfig, wilco: [5, 2] = 8 Thorn_the_Gnoll: Kinda grossed out, and not really sure how to deal with this shit, Thorn takes the door with him and backs away. Wilco2: WHAT? Wilco2: WHAT DID I DO? Igfig: hhahaha Wilco2: I WAS PRAISING THE PUN NOT USING IT Heronius: you repeated a pun. Heronius: too bad. Igfig: nah, I'm just messing with you Wilco2: okay Thorn_the_Gnoll: So I'm going to back up by Brigsby who is currently represented by Finger's F. Wilco2: I just realized something Igfig: Lucas, you here? Igfig: kay Lucas_Strongbow: yep Wilco2: we are at the rear end of this floor dreyrugr_nott: Oh god Igfig: Doing anything, Lucas? Lucas_Strongbow: nature check on the shit thing? Igfig: Sure Lucas_Strongbow: 1d20+11 Fortuna: Lucas_Strongbow, 1d20+11: [19] = 30 Wilco2: ... nice shit dreyrugr_nott: Wo Lucas_Strongbow: I know all sorts of things about shit Igfig: The poop appears to be completely natural, regular poop Wilco2: then how is it moving?! Heronius: Has it gained sentience? Wilco2: wow Igfig: Great question. Brigsby: Wilco, if you say one more shit pun my next attack will be on you Wilco2: we should bring some of this possessed poop with us Igfig: Nope, it's ordinary poop. Lucas_Strongbow: THIS IS WEIRD Igfig: If you were to hazard a guess Heronius: Then someone is controlling it. Igfig: you'd say that yes, it's probably posessed Wilco2: remember that jar I picked up in the kitchen way back when we first came into castle cocklove? Heronius: Ghosts or some such Igfig: vaguely? Wilco2: I will use that. And take some of that poop as my own dreyrugr_nott: It's possessed by a certain wolf Igfig: okay Wilco2: It will come in handty Wilco2: by the way is it my turn? Brigsby: The Ghost of Christmas Poop Lucas_Strongbow: And can I even attack it? Igfig: Unless Lucas wants to do something Igfig: Certainly Igfig: Hero did do some damage with his magic missile Lucas_Strongbow: 1d20+11 clever shot Fortuna: Lucas_Strongbow, clever shot: [8] = 19 Igfig: You hit it Lucas_Strongbow: 1d10+7 damage Fortuna: Lucas_Strongbow, damage: [7] = 14 Wilco2: I HAVE AN IDEA Lucas_Strongbow: and I...slow it Wilco2: if we lead the poo all the way to the bathroom, then get it into the toilet Lucas_Strongbow: for some reason Igfig: okay Wilco2: we can flush it Igfig: the poop is slow Heronius: Shut up wilco. Lucas_Strongbow: Amd I guess that's it Heronius: Also toilets don't have flushing action. Heronius: in this universe Wilco2: yes they do Lucas_Strongbow: I do all of this with a bemused look on my face Igfig: No they don't wilco Wilco2: even the ancient greeks or romans or something had plumbing Wilco2: curses Wilco2: okay Igfig: also, it's your turn Wilco2: okay Brigsby: plumbing and flushing aren't the same Wilco2: as a minor action, I pull out my jar, take off the lid, capture some of the possessed poo, and put the lid back on, then put it in my pocket Igfig: That's going to take two minor actions to do all that, but okay Brigsby: and immediately gains the honorific title, "Poopkeeper" Wilco2: okay, as a standard action... Wilco2: Valient strike on the poop Igfig: Sure Wilco2: is there 2 or 3 people in this area? Heronius: 3 Wilco2: other people I mean Brigsby: 2 Igfig: Is it number of creatures, or just enemies? Wilco2: allies Igfig: The poop is all one entity Igfig: allies? Oh Wilco2: 1d20+9 Fortuna: Wilco2, 1d20+9: [18] = 27 Igfig: two allies Wilco2: awesome Wilco2: 1d8+3 Fortuna: Wilco2, 1d8+3: [8] = 11 Igfig: You pound that fudge Igfig: you do Igfig: and that's about that Igfig: Back to the top Wilco2: I can't believe we are fighting an amorphous blob of poo Igfig: By the way guys, what did you do with that dildo? dreyrugr_nott: It's time for a shit turn Wilco2: oh uh... Wilco2: I'll hold onto that too I guess dreyrugr_nott: I put it in my pocket Wilco2: You never know when a dildo will come in handy Wilco2: against some pansy elves Igfig: Which of you is holding it? dreyrugr_nott: Me Wilco2: drey Igfig: ok dreyrugr_nott: I grabbed it and rubbed it off on wilco Wilco2: you can have it, I have my jar of poo Brigsby: hahahaa Wilco2: that is all I need Igfig: 1d20+8 vs. Drey Fort Fortuna: Igfig, vs. Drey Fort: [2] = 10 dreyrugr_nott: FAIL Wilco2: HAH Igfig: The poop heaps itself up and surges toward you, but not as strongly as before Igfig: the poop at the far side of the room is barely moving at all Wilco2: what about the poop in my jar? Wilco2: is it struggling to escape? Igfig: it's pressing against the side of the jar, trying to reach Drey dreyrugr_nott: Haha dreyrugr_nott: This shit loves me Lucas_Strongbow: We need to destriy that dildo Lucas_Strongbow: never thought i'd say that dreyrugr_nott: I'm going to save it for an arcana check Wilco2: no, the dildo is the only way we will ever defeat the elves Wilco2: although to be perfectly honest, when we finally reach the elf king Wilco2: I have a feeling we will have to do a battle of the bands against him Igfig: Welp, Hero Brigsby: I vote that we give the dildo back to the poop monster and go our separate ways. Heronius: Minor action, religion check Heronius: 1d20+11 Fortuna: Heronius, 1d20+11: [4] = 15 Igfig: Hmmm Igfig: Interesting fingers: You guys seem to have it on the run, why throw away something when violence can do the job? Igfig: There is definitely something going on with the spirits of the restless dead around this dildo Heronius: Drey, throw that fucking dildo Heronius: Or I will burn it in your hands Igfig: And they only became restless when Dreyrugr started cleaning off the dildo dreyrugr_nott: I'll do something with it on my turn Heronius: Erupting flare on the dildo. Brigsby: Drey, dip it back in the poo Heronius: 1d20+7 Fortuna: Heronius, 1d20+7: [18] = 25 dreyrugr_nott: They probably took offense to being wiped on wilco Heronius: 1d10+6 Fortuna: Heronius, 1d10+6: [9] = 15 Igfig: You hit the dildo, I guess? Heronius: I suggest you drop it Igfig: And knock it out of Drey's hands dreyrugr_nott: I can't Heronius: It bursts into flames. dreyrugr_nott: It's not my turn Igfig: free actin to drop something Heronius: dropping things is a free action Igfig: it falls back into the poop dreyrugr_nott: I couldn't nature's wrath then Igfig: what? Nature's wrath is only on your turn Wilco2: we forgot all about the shadow wolf Wilco2: who's turn by the way? dreyrugr_nott: Oh. Well let's keep going then Igfig: Anyway, the dildo plunges into the poop and is completely caked in the stuff Wilco2: that didn't take long Igfig: the poop is pretty deep Wilco2: ahh Igfig: and it landed clean side down Wilco2: eww Igfig: and as soon as it's completely covered again, the poop ceases to shudder Igfig: it relaxes Wilco2: We could have killed the ppoo Igfig: falls back to the floor dreyrugr_nott: Can I still use wilco as a shit shovel? Thorn_the_Gnoll: I'm not so sure, it'd be a bit hard to bloody it, I don't think there was any bloody stool. Wilco2: I whisper to Drey "Maybe we should shovel it out the window now that it's relaxed" Igfig: and resumes its slumber Igfig: ew, thown Igfig: thorn Thorn_the_Gnoll: Yeah that was bad. Wilco2: now I just have a jar of sleeping possessed poo Igfig: you could still try shitshovelling I guess, drey Lucas_Strongbow: Who picked up the dildo? Wilco2: instead of possessed poo trying to kill me dreyrugr_nott: Me and wilco dreyrugr_nott: Alright Lucas_Strongbow: Thorn, clonk their heads together dreyrugr_nott: Because of all the puns he made Igfig: the poop in your jar is completely inanimate now dreyrugr_nott: I pick up wilco Wilco2: why did the shit like the dildo so much? dreyrugr_nott: And use him as a shit shoevel dreyrugr_nott: shovel* Igfig: that's a great question Wilco2: one day this poo will save our lives in the battle for rock Wilco2: I am too heavy Brigsby: is it my turn? Igfig: Does anybody have any rituals for speaking with the dead? Igfig: or ghosts Brigsby: I have a ritual, but not for that Wilco2: I can sort of pretend I do dreyrugr_nott: I can bring in black dynamite and he can speak jive to it Wilco2: but it will probably make the ghost angry Heronius: nope Igfig: It's your turn, Brigsby, but there doesn't seem to be much going on now dreyrugr_nott: Wait, what about me? Wilco2: is there any reason for init right now? Igfig: oh, well you to Igfig: o dreyrugr_nott: I'm after hero Igfig: but no, the battle is pver Igfig: over Wilco2: Okay dreyrugr_nott: Alright, so I pick up wilco and use him as a shit shovel for his puns Brigsby: can I use a ritual on an object, if the description says I can use it on a creature? Wilco2: So I walk and grab the old shovel Wilco2: I open the window Igfig: what are you thinking of, specifically? Wilco2: and start shoveling the shit out Igfig: okay, wilco Brigsby: Fastidiousness Igfig: heheh dreyrugr_nott: Wait, Ig dreyrugr_nott: Did the poop start to react when we picked it up or cleaned it off? Wilco2: oh god no drey Igfig: I think there might be a variant on that that would work for a small object, brigsby Igfig: since the ritual keeps the target's clothing and carried items from getting dirty Igfig: and drey, it wasn't until you cleaned it off dreyrugr_nott: Okay Brigsby: Right, and whatever is on the object is shed when the ritual is complete dreyrugr_nott: I pick up the dildo and drop it into my pack Wilco2: cover the dildo in shit then take it Wilco2: yeah Brigsby: Wait Brigsby: Give me the dildo Wilco2: oh god dreyrugr_nott: Ok, I hand brigsby the dildo Igfig: Wisdom check, somebody dreyrugr_nott: "I'll want this back. I have a prank I'd like to play on wilco" Lucas_Strongbow: "Cover the dildo in shit, then take it" Lucas_Strongbow: Jesus dreyrugr_nott: It's already covered in shit Thorn_the_Gnoll: Put the dildo and the poop in the jar together. Lucas_Strongbow: 1d20+4 Wis Fortuna: Lucas_Strongbow, Wis: [9] = 13 Wilco2: yes Thorn_the_Gnoll: To attack people with it, take out dildo, throw it at enemy. dreyrugr_nott: 1d20 wis Fortuna: dreyrugr_nott, wis: [5] = 5 Wilco2: put the dildo in the poo jar Wilco2: no no Brigsby: I go back into room 20 and begin my Fastidiousness ritual Wilco2: this poo is nearly a liquid at this point Igfig: If Brigsby is about to do what I think he's about to do, you're all doomed Wilco2: that is how poo-y Wilco2: it is Wilco2: EVERYONE RUN dreyrugr_nott: I follow brigsby Wilco2: I follow brigsby and sit on a chair Igfig: Brigsby, are you casting Fastidiousness on the dildo? Wilco2: what does that do? Lucas_Strongbow: Why is everyone ignoring the fact that we're trying to steal a shit-covered dildo? Igfig: keeps it from getting dirty Wilco2: because fuck you Wilco2: OH GOD NO Brigsby: I'm casting it on myself, with the dildo in my possession Wilco2: WE ARE ALL DOOMED Igfig: welp Heronius: I tackle brigsby Wilco2: I wanted to kill that poo Lucas_Strongbow: I think we should leave the dildo here Wilco2: so I could say Wilco2: Smells like... victory Lucas_Strongbow: What possible use could it have? Wilco2: throw it in an elfs eye Igfig: oh man wilco, that's terrble dreyrugr_nott: We can use it to prank wilco Igfig: in the best sense of the word Wilco2: take them by surprise and choke them with a shit covered dildo Wilco2: just ram it down their throat Wilco2: wait but then their insides might clean it Wilco2: then the shit would fly into space to kill us Wilco2: and we would have to battle space poo Igfig: Heronius, are you tackling Brigsby then? Thorn_the_Gnoll: I'm going to say this conversation should end right now. Igfig: Str attack Heronius: is brigsby still performing the ritual? Igfig: Apparently Brigsby: yeah, it takes a while to complete Heronius: 1d20-1 Fortuna: Heronius, 1d20-1: [16] = 15 Igfig: Brigsby's Fort? Brigsby: hits Igfig: You are tackled Heronius: I take the dildo Heronius: I hand it to wilco and tell him to put it into the jar Wilco2: you must use it to ram down an elf's throat Igfig: You can make an Arcana check to keep the ritual from being interrupted, Brigsby Wilco2: I gladly open the jar, and shove the dildo in Wilco2: then I whisper Wilco2: "Welcome home" dreyrugr_nott: Wait, just cover it in shit and let me keep it in my pack Igfig: and you'll need to make another attack to get it from him, Hero Thorn_the_Gnoll: This is messed up. Wilco2: fuck you it's in my jar now Igfig: unless you don't resist, Brigsby Heronius: I will magic it from him next time Brigsby: I don't resist Igfig: okay Heronius: and my arcana will not lose Lucas_Strongbow: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON Igfig: all right dreyrugr_nott: Wait Wilco2: I DON'T KNOW dreyrugr_nott: does it even fit in the jar? Igfig: It fits, yes Igfig: it's a big jar dreyrugr_nott: Damn it Lucas_Strongbow: Put the dildo back, and let's never speak of this again dreyrugr_nott: I want to keep it in my pack Heronius: Wilco, do whatever you want with that jar. But if that shit gets loose, I'm throwing you in front of it. Heronius: Then I'm setting you on fire. fingers: Thank god I didn't take any part in that Brigsby: I pout in the corner Igfig: Okay Igfig: It's like 12:40 now Igfig: which is kinda late Heronius: I use prestidigitaion to clean myself Igfig: so I think we can stop here for tonight dreyrugr_nott: Alright Lucas_Strongbow: Awesome, we won a jar of shit with a dildo jammed in it Lucas_Strongbow: GG everyone Wilco2: I promise Thorn_the_Gnoll: And Thorn finishes off the bone from the goblin arm, and stands off to the side with the door. Wilco2: I will use this dildo in the next main session' Wilco2: it will save our lives Wilco2: good night dreyrugr_nott: Goddamn it. I wanted the dildo Igfig: Good night! Brigsby: good night Heronius: reverse picpocket the clean dildo into someones pants Heronius: see what happens Lucas_Strongbow: Night all! Heronius: Somefls* dreyrugr_nott: Night Thorn_the_Gnoll: Night.